During this time, God was distant in my life. I just wanted out of my marriage as it was something I realised I was not prepared for. I knew that God hated divorce, but I wanted it as I saw it as an immediate solution to my problem. For a long while already, there had been a lack of reverence for the Lord in my life. As time went by, terminating the marriage no longer became a viable option as my logical and more rational mind took over. I began to weigh the pros and cons and how it would affect my husband. If you get to meet my husband you would understand why it would be madness to many people that I even contemplated leaving and hence hurt him.

The subsequent one year passed by with me thinking that there was something wrong with us and our marriage. And that there were many things both my husband and I had to fix or get right. Through it all, I hardly sought God for direction, wisdom and love. The turning point came one Saturday at a healing service where I was reminded that our God is a living God. He is alive and real. It was then that I began to open myself up to God again.

This led into a season of drawing close to God. In March 2005, my small group was scheduled for a retreat in Malaysia . On the way there, I had a sudden inspiration to pray for the “yet-to-be-born-but-God-knows-baby”. That also marked the start of complete restoration between my husband and I.

I wanted to know what God had to say about having babies because I had many fears about having them. Would I be healthy enough? Would they be born normal? – the usual parental fears. However, I had one fear that really bugged me. I kept a journal and in it I wrote “Would my sins keep me from having good kids? This is a scary thought.” I remember having to claim the promise that God is faithful and that there is no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

“I want to start from nothing and create a baby out of great love and grace of God”. When I wrote this in my journal on Apr 12, 2005, I was prepared to take the journey that the Lord inspired me on. I became attentive to possibilities placed before me. One of the first things that I had to deal with was my own baggage of unforgiveness and self-justification. The Holy Spirit convicted me that starting a new life on top of shaky foundations other than love and grace of God would count for nothing. Even to this day, I discover I still need to consciously shed the shackles of such iniquities. The Lord brought people and events one after another to prepare me.

All this while, I was closely tuned in to what the Holy Spirit wanted to say about children and us as parents. My husband and I were blessed through the books we read (Praying for your unborn child, Supernatural Childbirth) and also the sermons we received from Sunday services. One of the most memorable was of the legacy that King David leaves behind. King David 's love for God especially touched me. I believe that God wants us to leave a legacy for our children and our children's children.

The word from the Lord finally came, when I least expected it, through Brother Francis Khoo. He was speaking in my church BRMC one Friday in July 2005. My friend and I were blessed by his sermon and we wanted to pray some blessings on him. Instead my friend got words of encouragement and I got a confirmation from the Lord. The word was “multiply”. Brother Francis asked if I was married and I said yes. He said the word to me was to have children. There was also something else that Brother Francis said which at that point I didn't pay much attention to. He said that I was to talk to my husband. I thought to myself, of course I would talk to my husband as he needs to take part in this too.

Frankly, at that point, I didn't really like what I heard. I thought that God's word of blessing to me would be a spiritual gift or ministry of some sort, at least something more creative and not just to go forth and have children!! When I got home I was convicted that my spirit was not right within me. Who was I that God should say what I want to hear?

It was July then and my husband, having been through this journey with me was also sought to be ready to be a father. I recall giving him a hard time about not hastening unto the Word of God. Little did I know I was the real culprit.

It was January this year when all these came to a head. I “did” the “talk” that Brother Francis said I should with my husband. Unknown to me, two weeks before January 14, my auntie had a burden to pray for both my husband and I and the fervent prayers were simply to preserve us.

This talk was overdue. I should have had it with my husband even before we got married. The talk itself was a struggle as it dealt with much of my past. My mind kept telling me not to tell the truth but there was a firm leading onward. My heart is truly deceitful above all things. Even in the face of such love and grace, I still wanted to back off from doing what is right. It would not be an exaggeration to say that the remnants of my past baggage held us both back from real union in the Lord. That evening, I received fullness of love and forgiveness from my husband. I had no idea what a wonderful gift I was given in my husband till I saw his unwavering love and firmness in the Lord and His teachings.

And as for the blessing the Lord had prepared for me…. The two blue lines appeared on February 19, according to the grace of our Lord. We are expecting our baby in October 2006. Praise be to God!

I used to tell my friends that being a wife and a mother was to be a consolation prize in my life. However, God has always had in mind for me the first prize which he has already given: being the wife of my husband and the mother of his children.